


Dean Bathes In A Bird Bath

by Pronkbaggins



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:26:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28209801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pronkbaggins/pseuds/Pronkbaggins
Summary: Self explanatory.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

4:36 am. 

Dean had slept in this morning. 

He groaned and rolled over, just wanting to hold on to those last few minutes of sleep like a cardiologist clutches the heart of his latest patient with no clue what to do. He stretched and caught a whiff of his own sleepy musk - he really needed a shower. He’d become so sweaty at nights, especially because of the anxiety he felt with the trauma he never addressed from Hell. 

He shook off his blankets and glanced over at Sam’s bed. Sam was already up. He had a bad habit of doing that now, getting up before Dean. It made Dean nervous because it reminded him that Sam was his own person. 

Dean smelled his shirt and made a disgusted face. Yes, he needed out of these clothes. 

He knocked on the locked bathroom door. “Sammy?”

“I’ll be out soon” Sam said “just showering.”

“Okay” Dean said “but dude I’m rank. You need to let me use the shower fast.”

“I thought you liked smelling that way” Sam joked from inside the bathroom where the shower was clearly running. 

“Ha ha” Dean commented, going into the kitchen. He couldn’t deal with his own smell. He removed his shirt like a teacher removes a student from class for existing. 

After tossing his shirt aside, Dena felt like stripping to his underwear because he was afraid he stunk. He went back into the bedroom and Sam was still showering. 

“Come on, dude!” Dean groaned, rapping on the door. 

“Long hair, Dean, it takes a while” Sam said from inside. 

“Cut that mop off” Dean groaned again, leaning against the door and just wanting to shower. 

Sam did not respond. 

Dean huffed and opened the door to the motel room. Maybe a stroll would bring some public baths into view. He couldn’t wait any longer. Within a few minutes he spotted something so beautiful he could hardly describe it. In the front lawn of the motel was a gorgeous, giant, marble bird bath. 

Birds were flocking to the bath. The water inside was so clear Dean felt clean just looking at it. Something about the bird bath beckoned to him. 

He took off his pants in a hurry and approached the bird bath with the new mission in his life - to bathe here. It looked better than a resort. Dean had no idea what came over him as he climbed into the bird bath. Ahhh. It felt amazing. He began to splash the water over himself and let his legs hang off the other side happily. 

It was pure bliss until the sirens began to wail. 

“Sir, please step out of the bird bath” a man’s voice said through the police car walkie talkie. 

Dean tried to ignore the sound. The bird bath was just too comfortable. He wished he had some soap to scrub himself down. 

“Sir, I won’t ask again” 

The sound of the police car doors slamming made Dean wake up a little bit out of his drunkenness like a baby bird hatching from a cloned bug torpedo. A hand touched his shoulder and Dean jerked away. 

“Woah! What are you doing?” he asked the male cop, looking affronted. 

“I asked you to step out of the bird bath. This is a public bird bath and you are bathing in it appears that you are publicly in the nude--”

“Dude. I’m flattered you’re into me but I won’t be needing any of that. I’m in my underwear so it’s cool. I just need to be clean” Dean explained. 

“Sir if you don’t step out of the bird bath I’ll have to arrest you--”

“Ahhhh hey!” Sam said, running out of the house and looking incredibly embarrassed “oh um, hi officer. He’ll be out right away. He took his uh, sleep medication and it uh, messed with his head.”

Sam gestured around his head to suggest Dean was loopy and smiled apologetically. 

“Screw you Sam, I’m staying” Dean said, leaning back in the bird bath. 

Sam tugged Dean’s arm and gave him a look. 

“Can’t a man have his privacy???” Dean groaned. 

“You’re in a public birdbath Dean” Sam said through gritted teeth as he smiled at the officer. 

Dean grumbled and climbed out of the bird bath. He gave the officer a dirty look and said “you can have it all to yourself now.”


	2. Dean Bathes In A Sink

Once they were inside. Sam slammed the door behind him and said “DEAN! What were you THINKING?”

“Get your panties out of a bunch” Dean shrugged “if you weren’t such a girl in the shower, it wouldn’t take you so damn long and I could get clean.”

“So you go outside, strip down, and get into a birdbath? What are you, Dean, 5?” Sam said in exasperation. 

“Oh yeah, this coming from a man with hair longer than most of my girlfriends” Dean snorted. 

Sam raised his hands in defeat because Dean was being so childish. 

“You know what? Fine. Fine, you just have it your way, then” Sam said. 

“I will” Dean smiled and walked into the bathroom. 

Finally. He could have the entire bathroom to himself. Sam was outside huffing about and slamming something onto a desk. Dean thought Sam was the one being childish. After all, all he wanted was to be clean. 

Speaking of such, Dean looked down at his mostly nude body and thought about how much he did not get clean. He frowned, touching his damp skin. 

He looked in the mirror above the bathroom sink and frowned even more as he saw his reflexion. This would not do. He needed soap and water. 

Dean climbed into the shower but felt like it was too spacious. There was something severely wrong about this shower. He checked for signs of supernatural activity, but nothing was there. Maybe Sam ruined it. 

He climbed out and tested out the sink. It seemed just right, somehow. He smiled as he grabbed the soap, plugged in the stopper in the sink drain, and began to fill it up. He climbed his giant six foot body into the sink and sat happily in it, soaping his arms. 

After water began to run through the door, Sam knocked on the door vigorously. 

“DEAN!? Are you okay in there!? It’s flooding!”

“Yeah Sammy, it’s fine. I’m just washing up” Dean smiled. 

“Why is it flooding?”

“I don’t know” Dean shrugged “maybe because you took so long before.”

Sam opened the door, which turned out to be unlocked. He saw Dean bathing in the sink which was flooding over massively. He moved to shut off the faucet but Dean slapped his hand away. 

“I need to be clean”

“Dean this is going to cost us a FORTUNE! You flooded the motel! Not to mention that you somehow fit in this sink!”

“Huh?” Dean asked, soaping his arms “get out Sam, I need privacy.”

Sam growled and pulled Dean out of the sink, and Dean retaliated by struggling and putting soap in Sam’s hair and on his face. 

“I am never having kids” Sam concluded “you are enough to deal with.”

He shut off the sink and Dean pouted. 

“I hate being dirty” he frowned “just because you like to be dirty doesn’t mean I do.”

“Whatever, Dean. Let’s hit the road before we get charged” Sam said nervously, tossing Dean’s clothes at him and going to wash his hair.


	3. Chi Fu And The Sam Clones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mulan (live action) or this?

Dean was just so sick of Sam’s mission to keep him dirty. He wanted to get right back in that sink. He had no idea why. 

As he approached the door, Sam stood in his way. 

“Sam, I just need to grab my toothbrush” Dean said. 

“Uh huh. Right. Go. I’ll grab your toothbrush” Sam said. Dean grumbled and walked away. The entire carpet was soaked with water. 

As he walked into the kitchen, he bumped into Sam again. 

“How--”

“How what, Dean? How did you manage to flood the motel room? I wonder the same thing” Sam huffed “now help me pack up the impala.”

“What about my toothbrush?” Dean frowned. 

“Are you serious? Dean…” Sam rolled his eyes, packing up some things from the fridge and heading outside. 

Dean peeked out of the curtain to see Sam walk behind the impala. He turned around and saw Sam right behind him and let out a small cry of shock. 

“DUDE!” Dean growled, shaking his head “I thought you were outside!”

“Why would you think that?” Sam asked in confusion. 

“I just saw you walk out the door. Seriously, you think I’m acting weird?” Dean asked with a frown. 

Sam shrugged. “Let’s just get moving.”

“No no no no no wait wait wait” Dean said, grabbing Sam’s arm and sprinkling holy water on it. Nothing. 

“I’ll go get some borax” Dean joked, but Sam only raised his eyebrows. 

Dean gave up and turned around to go start to pack. Sam sure was acting strange today. He debated whether or not he should ask him how he was doing, but he was always awkward with this kind of small talk. 

A man cleared his throat behind him. Dean turned around and saw a cartoon Chinese man holding a scroll and looking really affronted. He had a very thin long mustache and a square blue hat. 

“State your last name” the man huffed. 

“Excuse me? What are you?” Dean said, grabbing his gun and pointing it at the man. Or thing. 

“Put your Western weaponry away! I work for the Emperor, and he would be MOST displeased to see such disrespect!” Chi Fu said angrily. 

“UHhhhhh…..” Dean began, squinting at the man who was waving an ancient calligraphy pen. He had seen him somewhere, but he couldn’t imagine where. 

“Hey Dean” Sam said, walking past him before Dean could say anything. 

“Last name?” Chi Fu asked again. 

“What the **** are you?” Dean growled. 

“How rude! I am Chi Fu, I work for the Emperor of China. You should be honored to be called to battle the Mongolian Huns!” the man exclaimed loudly. 

“Get out of here before I shoot you” Dean threatened. 

“I will write you up for this!” Chi Fu exclaimed loudly “and even though there are thousands of your brother, you are the eldest son, so you must serve the Emperor in his war!”

“What?” Dean frowned as he suddenly noticed three Sams washing the car. 

“WHAT?” he exclaimed, running outside in a hurry. 

“Hey Dean” one Sam said as another waved. 

“WHICH ONE OF YOU IS SAM?” Dean threatened angrily. 

“Me” they all said in unison. 

“Okay you sick shapeshifters, what have you done with my brother?” Dean said, waving his gun to make them all step aside. 

“Chi Fu did this” one Sam said “he cloned us from the original Sam’s hair.”

Chi Fu was outside, nodding sagely. 

“What the ****????” Dean asked. 

“Yes. He time travels to the future and he wanted to help build an army, but he accidentally chose the younger son” one of the Sams explained “the original Sam is actually out on a grocery run. But it’s okay, because now you always get one of us to be around you.”

“I don’t want you!” Dean yelled “I want the original Sam, the only Sam. The rest of you can get out of here.”

The Sams all did the puppy dog eyes and Dean felt responsible for all of them all of a sudden. He whirled around to face Chi Fu, or whatever. 

“Don’t look at me” Chi Fu grinned wryly “I only do what the Emperor orders.”

Dean grabbed Chi Fu by the collar and slammed him against the wall. “Listen here, chuckles, you reverse this right now or I make you wish you weren’t born.”

Chi Fu frowned and said “I will not respond to threats!”

“It’s okay Dean” Sam said, coming back with groceries “I know how to fix this.”

The other Sam’s high-fived original Sam and Dean stood there at a loss for words as Sam waved John’s journal. Dean was wondering why he even admired his dad anymore. 

“It says here if you come across time travelling Disney foreigners who dabble in modern science, you have to give them the silent treatment and then perform a reverse christening and then a regular christening” Sam explained, reading from the journal. 

Dean threw up his hands in defeat. 

“You take care of this one Sammy” he said. 

“But Dean, you are way too good at the silent treatment to pass this one up” Sam smiled. The other Sams chuckled and Dean glared at them, stomping off and giving them the silent treatment. 

The reverse christening and normal christening were done by Sam later on, and the other Sam clones disappeared like a bandit disappears when a walking cake rounds the corner.


	4. Castiel Forgets

“Castiel, please come down here and help me out” Dean prayed later that night “I am worried about how I reacted to the Sam clones. I feel like I shouldn’t have killed them all like that. What if it was a test?”

Castiel showed up in Dean’s room. 

“You called?”

“Woah...hey. You answered” Dean said in a little shock “I mean, that wasn’t the biggest most urgent prayer I’ve ever sent out…”

Castiel disappeared. 

Dean looked around the room. “Cas?” he called out. 

Castiel appeared. “Yes?”

“Uh where’d you go?” Dean wondered. 

“I went up to heaven” Castiel said flatly “you just called me down here apparently.”

“Yeah I was kind of having a conversation with you, man” Dean said, a little upset. 

“Hm?” Castiel said “so what do you want?”

“Didn’t you hear that in my prayer, man? What, you want to make me say it out loud?” Dean frowned. 

Castiel turned around and turned back around. “What do you want?”

“DUDE!” Dean yelled, standing up “are you drunk? Did you get drained of your angel juice or something?” 

“I am fine” Castiel said “so what do you want?”

“Just, nothing man” Dean sighed “anyways, now that you’re here, how is Heaven?”

“Heaven?” Castiel said, cocking his head in confusion. 

Dean stared at him with a big frown. He approached Cas and slapped his hand to his shoulder, giving him a look. 

“Buddy, let’s go out for a drink. Maybe that will clear your head” he said. 

Castiel merely nodded as Dean grabbed his jacket. 

“You two heading out?” Sam smiled as Dean walked out the door. 

“Yeah” Dean said without much more conversation. He nearly tripped over a cactus shaped like his dad but luckily he didn’t. 

Castiel approached Sam in a somewhat aggressive way. He held out his hand towards Sam with a glowing white light. Sam looked affronted and backed away. 

“Who are you?” Castiel asked flatly “why are you in Dean’s house?”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh….that’s funny Cas” Sam chuckled nervously. 

“Cas!” Dean yelled, grabbing Cas’ shoulder and whirling him around “what is wrong with you!? Don’t threaten Sam!”

“Sam?” Castiel asked in confusion. 

“Sam...my brother Sam? The one who had the demon blood addiction?” Dean began as Sam gave him a ‘really??’ look “the one who was Lucifer’s bedmate to save the world from the freaking apocalypse??? The guy who was possessed by your angel buddies?”

Castiel looked really confused and then something seemed to dawn on him. “Oh. I forgot. Sorry, Sam.”

“You...you FORGOT?” Dean yelled. 

Castiel shrugged. Dean’s mouth hung open. “You forgot?”

“Don’t test me, Dean. I have been having a bad day” Castiel said, his eyes beginning to glow a little bit blue. 

Dean frowned, tempted to keep sassing Cas. But he knew what Cas was capable of. 

“Fine. Let’s go get that drink” Dean decided. 

“What drink?” Castiel wondered. 

“Uh...the drink you guys were going to have” Sam said quietly “I won’t be joining.”

Castiel cocked his head. He then disappeared. 

Sam looked at Dean with exasperation. Dean was just in shock. 

Cas showed back up. “What seems to be the problem?”

“The problem is you, Cas” Dean said “why do you keep forgetting everything?”

“I didn’t notice” Cas said, his face blank like a Professor’s chalkboard the moment he realizes his true gender identity. 

“Well, okay, so, do you want to get a drink with us or not?” Dean wondered. 

“A drink with you” Sam muttered. 

Castiel’s face darkened. He looked at Dean warily. “How did you get out of Hell before I pulled you out?” he asked quietly “last time I checked, I was the one who was assigned to raise you from Perdition. Who did this?”

Dean looked at Cas with the most done expression. “Sam, we need to get him checked out. Do they have an angel doctor or something?”

Sam shrugged. 

“Who raised you?” Cas said, approaching Dean angrily. 

“You did, Cas! Seriously, that was like...five years ago. What is wrong with you?” Dean said, backing up. 

Cas smiled a little and nodded. “Oh, I forgot” he shrugged “so, what seems to be the problem?”

Dean rolled his eyes so hard. “Sam, how about you and I grab that drink instead?” 

Sam nodded, and Castiel took a look at Sam and stood rigidly in front of Dean. He slipped his angel blade down his sleeve and approached Sam. “Who are you?”

Sam raised his hands in the air in defeat. “You deal with him, Dean.”

“He’s my brother” Dean said in a bored tone “Cas, stop it.” He grabbed Castiel’s arm and tugged it. 

Cas looked at the angel blade in confusion. “What is this? It seems to be a heavenly weapon. How do I have it?”

“OH MY GOD” Dean groaned. 

“He is not here” Castiel confirmed with a neutral expression “anyways…..I guess I should go if you don’t need me.”

“First let’s see what’s wrong with you” Dean said, checking Cas’ forehead like an optometrist checks out a cyclops’ swollen ankle. 

“There is nothing wrong” Castiel said “wait, who are you?”

Kevin walked out of the bunker and began to chant something to Cas. Cas stared at him in awe, but then suddenly seemed lucid. 

“Sorry guys” Kevin said “I was experimenting with some tablet reading and I guess I made some of the most powerful angels lose their memories. He should be A-Okay now.” 

Castiel approached Kevin with a look of gratitude on his face and said “who are you?”.


	5. Sam And Dean Get Lost In An Armpit

It took three hours to get the struggling angel’s memory back. He was like a spoon lost in a cupboard full of spoons. 

Once Castiel was back to normal, Dean and Sam decided to drive him to someplace nice to get a drink. Dean kept checking in the rearview mirror to see how Cas was doing in the backseat. Cas merely looked a little bit embarrassed. Dean could tell because he had gotten to know him so well through the years. 

“Eyes on the road, Dean” Sam mumbled. 

“Shut it” Dean retorted, his one hand on the steering wheel in a laid back fashion. 

The road signs began to advertise something silly, like one of those tourist traps. All of a sudden, they began to say “underarm work ahead.”

“I have a bad feeling” Cas said “I….think I should go scope out the road ahead.”

“No Cas, stay put--” Dean began, but the angel was gone. 

“Damn it” Dean said, pounding his palm on the steering wheel. Sam merely looked worried. 

All of a sudden the weirdest thing showed up in front of them. It appeared to be a huge fleshy and hairy mass that was growing out of the ground. 

“Dean! Swerve left!” Sam shouted, grabbing at the steering wheel. 

“Get off me, Sam! I can do this!” Dean yelled back, shoving Sam aside and steering left. 

Unfortunately there was nowhere else to go. Suddenly Castiel showed up but was swallowed up by the fleshy mass. 

“What IS THAT?” Dean yelled in slight fear. Sam merely gripped the seats and prepared for impact. 

Nothing happened. They were in a sea of hair and it smelled somewhat like sweat. 

“Is this...an armpit?” Sam said, feeling stupid even asking it. Dean gave him a look, but it really did look like a massive armpit. 

There were signs along the armpit guiding tourists to different sectors. Dean drove across the fleshy and bumpy mass but couldn’t find a way out. Sam tried to mark areas in his mind so they could find a way out. 

“Where’s Cas when you need him?” Dean grumbled, driving and driving until they were nearly out of gas. They were as lost as a bachelor trying to find a toe clipper in a sad mime’s salad. 

“I don’t know, Dean. I think we should walk from here” Sam said in a defeated tone “we’re nearly out of gas.”

“And leave Baby in an armpit? Over my dead body” Dean said angrily. 

“It could well be if we don’t leave soon” Sam mumbled. 

Right as they were nearing zero on the gas indicator, the armpit began to shake. A GIANT deodorant stick began to push across it. 

“DRIVE!” Sam screamed. 

“I AM!” Dean yelled back, flooring the impala. They drove as fast as possible and suddenly were back on the road, out of gas. The armpit was nowhere to be seen.


	6. Sam and Dean investigate the case of Zoe constantly getting up

It took three days of rest to recover from the armpit incident. Dean was having a pleasant dream about eating a pie when Sam shook him awake. 

“I think we have a case” Sam said happily. 

“Sam….let me sleep” Dean groaned, rubbing his eyes.

“Oh okay Mr. Sleepyhead” Sam chuckled “guess you just want to let this ghost case sit there….oh did I mention this case is near some bars?”

Dean seemed to wake up in a hurry. “Another alcohol spirit?” he said. 

“Nope. No idea what this is. Here, I found the case on my laptop” Sam said, locating the page and sliding the laptop over to Dean on the bed. 

On Sam’s laptop was a gif of a middle aged woman looking very tired. She lay on a couch, and a transparent spirit-like version of herself got up out of her as she still lay there. This happened on loop. The headline read “Local lady constantly gets up yet gets nowhere.”

“And this is a case because….?” Dean wondered. 

Sam held up a finger. “So get this. She has been doing this for seventeen years straight, but she still somehow socializes with people and goes out. People are calling her the ghost lady. She is constantly getting up, she doesn’t move, but she somehow does. Her name is Zoe. She lives in Arizona.”

Dean frowned. “And she lives near a bar?”

“I think so” Sam shrugged. 

“Has anyone died?” Dean wondered. 

“Not yet” Sam said quietly. 

“Then why are we doing this?” Dean asked like a baby asks for a chuckle and dinosaur. 

They drove there anyways. Dean and Sam were dressed as electricians as they knocked on Zoe’s door. Zoe opened the door but was also on the couch constantly getting up. 

“We’re here to wire your house” Dean said with an awkward smile. 

“Oh! I didn’t have an appointment” Zoe said in her English accent. 

“It’s just a routine thing we do, ma’am” Sam said politely “It’s complimentary.”

“A sort of ‘welcome to the neighborhood’ if you will. Please, don’t get up” Dean joked as he gestured with his hands. 

Sam shot him a look. 

The EMF was going crazy. Dean walked over to where Zoe was constantly getting up. 

“Oh, yeah” Zoe said “I uh….have had this problem forever.”

“What do you think it is?” Sam asked. 

“I think it’s my fatigue” Zoe shrugged “I never get enough rest.”

“Do you ever feel any cold spots?” Dean asked, putting his hand through the transparent Zoe. 

“No” Zoe said “what does this have to do with wiring the house?”

“Oh um….it might mean the electricity isn’t working somewhere” Sam said quickly as Dean continued to move his hand in and out of the transparent Zoe. Sam slapped his hand away. 

“Alright. No” Zoe said “but I haven’t slept in ages.”

“I have a good fix for that” Dean said. 

“You’re one to talk” Sam mumbled. 

“Alcohol” Dean said with a grin “while my colleague here rewires your house, I can fix you up a drink.”

“Oh….okay” Zoe agreed since Dean was so hot and nice. 

After drinking a lot, Zoe was soon fast asleep. The ghost Zoe disappeared. 

“Why did we even do this case?” Dean wondered aloud. Sam shrugged, a smaller Sam shrugging out of his shoulder and falling off.


End file.
